The Church of Lost Souls

Now this is a religion I could get into

**Stolen from FriendlyAtheist.com**

Times are a changin'

Bachelorhood is beginning to look like a distant memory the way this week is unfolding.  On Wednesday I had blood taken for an HIV test, so I can stop using those god forfuckingsaken condoms.  I don't know how people use those damn things for any extensive amount of time; unless it's to prevent premature ejaculation, as it's like trying to determine the texture of something inside a Ziploc baggie.  Although I might be singing a different tune if I start premature ejaculating without the latex to insulate the nerve endings in my schlong. 

Of course I haven't heard back from the doctor yet so there will be no bareback riding this weekend for yours truly.  Sure, take your time Doc.  I'm in no hurry.

In addition to the HIV test, I finally caved and uttered the 'L' word to her.  Stop the presses -- after more than 3 years and countless candidates Creepy has finally fallen for somebody.  And at 39 she is only the 4th gal to breach my defenses, penetrate the rock-hard exterior and reach the center of my cold, black heart.  Who'd'a thunk.  (More people summit Mount Everest each year.)

They say there's someone out there for everyone.  Maybe that includes a miserable, ruthless prick like myself.  Stay tuned.

Quote of the day

"We hear with surprise of the savage who, falling down a precipice, ascribes the failure of his foothold to a malicious demon; and we smile at the kindred notion of the ancient Greek, that his death was prevented by a goddess who unfastened for him the thong of the helmet by which his enemy was dragging him.  But daily, without surprise, we hear men who describe themselves as saved from shipwreck by 'divine interposition', and the Christian priest who says prayers over a sick man in the expectation that the course of the disease will be stayed, differ only in respect of the agent from whom they expect supernatural aid."

-- Herbert Spencer

Who knew

Even god loves anal sex.

Filter

A friend of mine tried to access The Church from his office and received the following message:

A closer look reveals the specific reason access to this site was denied by his employer:

'Tasteless & offensive', how fuckin' cool is that!  I've never felt so honored in my entire life.

Quote of the day

"Sometimes the devil tempts me to believe in God."

-- Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Sawing logs

The girlfriend, 'A', slept over the other night, which was I think the third time we've spent the night together.  She'd already experienced my snoring, but assured me, "It wasn't so bad."  I think she was just being kind.

On this particular night I awoke around 4:00 a.m. to find myself alone in bed.  I got up to check on her and found 'A' asleep on the couch, along with the cat, who was lying by her feet on the end of the throw blanket she was using.  (Fuckin' traitor.)  I woke her up and asked her what was wrong.  "I couldn't sleep," she answered.  Fair enough, I thought to myself, I have my own difficulties getting used to having someone share a bed with me after a long period of solo slumbering.  I went to the linen closet and got her a comforter to ensure she would be warm enough, then went back to bed.

Turns out my snoring is so bad.  In the morning she explained that it was so unbearable after an hour or so of trying to ignore it she threw in the towel and went to sleep in the living room.  Evidently it was too much for the cat to ignore as well, as she soon joined 'A' on the couch.  My snoring drove away not one but two pussies.

The kicker is that earlier that evening she asked me if I'd ever tried those Breathe Right strips to combat my snoring.  I told her that I had, but the gal I was sleeping with at that time, 'The Ex', told me not to bother, they didn't make a bit of difference.  So before we went to bed I put one of the ridiculous looking things on my nose; the unbearable snoring came despite the anti-snoring aid.

Although now that I think about it, this might work to my benefit and assist me in my dream of a marriage with separate residences.

Quote of the day

"There is no sin except stupidity."

-- Oscar Wilde

Looking for a few good men. And women.

Who knew

All I ever hear are men bitching about their wives never putting out.  Evidently I'm only getting one side of the story.

A good read

'God is brain-dead'

Quote of the day

"Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.  Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many.  Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books.  Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.  Do not believe in traditions only because they have been handed down for many generations.  But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it."

-- Gautama Siddharta

Riddle me this

In less than a week we've had a cyclone in Myanmar responsible for the deaths of nearly 32,000 people, with more than 33,000 still missing (not to mention millions in urgent need of assistance); storms across the U.S. this weekend that killed at least 23 people; and an earthquake in China this morning resulting in a death count of nearly 9,000 people as I type this.

Isn't it a bit narcissistic to believe that god didn't see fit to intervene on behalf of the thousands of people who lost their lives due to these 'natural disasters', yet answered your prayers to make your sick aunt healthy?

And if there was a god, why would he (I say 'he', not 'she', because Judeo-Christian religions believe the big 'g' has a penis) place his children, whom he allegedly loved, in such a dangerous environment in the first place?  A bad man kidnapping and raping someone's child is chalked up to us being given freedom of choice.  Okay.  Horrible diseases such as cancer are a result of Adam and Eve disobeying him and eating the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil.  Fair enough.  But explain to me why this omnipotent supreme being would place us in a habitat full of such natural violence and fury?

Extended fishing trip

Someone came up with the brilliant idea to combine a nighttime swordfishing trip with a standard weekend morning fishing outing, creating a 20 hour anglers excursion this past weekend.  By anchoring up and sleeping on the boat we would get two fishing trips out of one (but not much rest).  We left Friday night around 7 p.m. and didn't return until Saturday afternoon.  And brought enough beer to last us.  Oh happy days.

The fishing sucked -- no swordfish or any other memorable fish were caught -- but 6 fellas in a boat on the ocean with a cache of beer and cigars don't need fish to have a good time.  Shit, the fond memories alone were worth the trip.  Among them are me risking injury (and a dunk in the ocean) by diving halfway overboard to rescue our last block of chum after the bag tore open and it began floating away.  I managed to grab the chum, but was left perilously teetering over the stern (rear) of the boat, waiting for one of the three guys standing right behind me to grab hold of my ankles and pull me back in.  ("I don't want to wait in vain...")  After what seemed like a highly unreasonable amount of time in my book I had to induce an action, by shouting, "Grab my fucking feet!"  I'm not sure what they were waiting for; even a practical joker such as myself wouldn't let a friend fall off a boat. 

Here are a few more memories.  Anchors away and bottoms up -- what a way to start a weekend:

The twilight zone:

The South Florida sunset from sea:

The eeriness of fishing at night, engulfed in darkness:

 

Cousin Bruce (aka 'Big Papa') falling asleep every chance he could:

Even in the afternoon sun:

Drinking beer very early in the morning without it making you an alcoholic:

I didn't know the ocean could possibly be this calm:

Nor did I know kingfish came this small:

Even on no sleep, without a shower and after too many beers to count I'm one handsome fucking fella:

The shark population must be declining drastically 'cause we encountered lots of hungry remoras:

Quote of the day

"When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve."

-- George Carlin

To the childbearing females in the congregation...

Happy Mother's Day, from a real motherfucker.

Space (and not the place astronauts go)

I really like 'A', aka the girlfriend. I'm not in love with her, which she has proclaimed to me, but I could see it happening in the future.  And I'm getting used to the idea of having a girlfriend -- I can actually say the word now.  However, I'm having trouble adjusting to having less 'me' time.

My spare time typically is broken down into three categories: 'me' time, 'family' time and 'friends' time.  I am a huge fan of 'me' time.  I'm a loner; perfectly comfortable being alone, and actually prefer my own company at times to that of others.  My Dad was never around much when I was growing up, and my sisters were 5 and 7 years older than me, so if I didn't have friends over my time at home was essentially spent solo.  By the time I entered high school Dad and both of my sisters were out of the house for good, and Mom worked and had her own social life, so I was often at home alone.  (I'm explaining, not complaining.)

Now 'girlfriend' time has been added to the mix, taking much of what was once 'me' time.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with her, but I also enjoy, um, not spending time with her.  For example.  We went out to dinner together with her sister on Sunday.  Monday night I cooked dinner for us at my place, then we hung out.  Some time during the evening she asked when she was gonna see me again.  "Tuesday or Wednesday," I suggested.  "How about Tuesday AND Wednesday," she countered.  Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday?  That seemed more than a bit excessive to me, a guy who hadn't had a girlfriend in 3 years.

And the relationship with that last girlfriend was just right.  She went out of town frequently for business and had her own life, so I had ample space.  If anything I was the one asking to see her more often.  It was a comfortable pace for me, one that never made me feel crowded or smothered.

Shit, I can't fathom what living with someone would be like.  (Obviously, I've never shared a dwelling with someone I was romantically involved with.)  Talk about a shock to the system, that might give me a nervous breakdown.  I think I'd be more interested in living next door to them.  That sounds about right.

Quote of the day

"God is only a great imaginative experience."

-- D.H. Lawrence

On second thought, mustaches aren't lame

Do they even make music videos anymore?  I know they don't show them anymore, but I'm not sure whether or not artists stopped making them.

Exercise in futility

By The Books Comics

Quote of the day

"I quit (going to church) because I came to believe that what is preached in the churches is mainly untrue and unimportant, tiresome, hostile to genuine progress, and in general not worth while."

-- Rupert Hughes

Flawed

I wasn't born with enough middle fingers.  Or a big enough cock.  I guess it's because too much of the material composing me was dedicated to the chip on my shoulder. 

Quote of the day

"Fanaticism in the name of religion seems to be the great temptation of the age.  It is religion without integrity: misled, misguided, angry, insolent, vindictive, hateful, vengeful.  It is a crusade in the name of God to rid the earth of all infidels and unbelievers who dare defile the rare atmosphere of heady faith.  Dissent is not tolerated.  Intelligence is frowned upon unless it is dogmatic and closed.  Disturbing questions, clear thinking and common sense are thought to be irreverent, insolent and disrespectful of proper authority."

-- Paul D. Simmons

Atheist motivation

Assorted shit

I saw my shrink today and shared with him that for the first time in ages I have a 'girl...'  He was pleased by the news, but cautioned me, "Don't fuck this up."  First my Mom, then my Dad, now Dr. Feelgood.  Why the hell is everyone so concerned I'm gonna fuck this relationship up?  I haven't been in enough exclusive relationships in the past few years to have developed a reputation for fucking them up. 

I was gung ho for an STD test, so 'Suzuki' and could eliminate the need for condoms in our relationship, until I spoke to a friend about it.  He told me a horror story about all sorts of shit being stuffed down your pee hole.  Whatever happened to taking blood and urine and testing that?  It's the 21st century and I need to have my junk tortured for it to get a clean bill of health? 

A female friend of mine passed along the following.  She was out with another gal, when the other gal opined, "I have the body and you have the eyes.  The two of us together make a great team."  Take my word for it, the gal with the eyes also has 'the body'; she's just not large-chested, so I'm assuming the other gal meant that because my friend doesn't have big cans she can't possibly have 'the body'.  How fuckin' stupid is that?  Especially coming from another woman.

So women are now buying into the belief a woman has to have big tits to have a great body.  I thought women were smarter than men, and less superficial.  Nice boobs only come in large sizes?  Where was I when this ruling was made?  I didn't get to have my say.  And what about the rest of the parts that make up a woman's body?  Like the thighs, the hips, the shoulders, the feet, the rump, the neck, the calves, the collarbones, the skin, the waist, etc.  There's more to a meal than just the appetizer.

My fortune from a cookie cracked open at lunch today:

"Your life is a dashing and bold adventure."

Oh yeah, just call me Captain Jack Sparrow.

Some folks in my office have little framed motivational posters on display.  You've seen them, they have stupid fuckin' sayings like:

TEAMWORK   Coming together is a beginning...Keeping together is progress...Working together is a success.

Whatever.  There's one putz who works here that has two large ones hanging on his office walls.  It's taking every ounce of willpower I can muster to not ask him, "What, you didn't have room for another one?  Surely you can fit one more piece of Hallmark-style wisdom in there."  What does this say about a person -- that they're trying to make a good impression with upper management or they're the kind of simple dolt that actually needs cheesy sayings to motivate them to succeed?  Or both.

Personally, I prefer the de-motivational posters.  This is one of my favorites:

And yes, a copy of it is present in my cubicle.

Finally, politicians came up with a good idea: dividing Florida into 2 states.  Why not?  Most of the tax dollars come from the south but is spent elsewhere; what's in it for us?  It already is technically 2 different states -- the metropolitan city-folk types in the south and the bible-thumping hillbillies in the north.  Let's draw the line down the middle and make it official.