The Church of Lost Souls

Short Story

I have uploaded a piece of fiction I wrote called "Expressions."  It can be read at the following link.  Feel free to leave feedback, I would appreciate the constructive criticism.

The difficulty of blogging

Man, this blogging stuff is harder than I thought.  Not the writing, but deciding what to write and what not to write.  Anyone who knows me reasonably well knows I have no problem speaking my mind, damn the consequences.  But that's not entirely true.  As "predictable" and easy-to-figure-out as I may seem, there is more to me than meets the eye.

I often bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut, for two primary reasons: 1) to not piss of someone I am close to or respect, and 2) to avoid hurting someone's feelings.  When keeping a 'blog', at least a remotely interesting one, you have to open yourself up and write what's on your mind.  But what's on my mind sometimes fits the criteria of the situations I mentioned above.  So what do I do?  Do I just write what I feel obligated to write, or do I say "fuck everyone" and go with it, not concerning myself with the potential repercussions?  Maybe I should start another 'blog' and not give the url to anyone...  I guess that's what a diary is for.

Well, it's nearly impossible for me to completely keep quiet and this is really eating away at me, so I'll just throw out a very brief, sanitized version of what's on my mind, keeping it as scant of details and opinions as possible to reduce any possible shit I will get:

throwing a 'black tie' (non-optional) affair is considerably selfish.  Yeah, I know, it's "classy" and everyone looks so sophisticated, but if you want to throw one, pick up the costs for all the tuxedo rentals.   

That's it, no offense to ANYONE, I still love ALL OF YOU.  Just something I had to get off my chest.

No 'Fish Story'

Jimeny Christmas look at the size of this fucking fish!

Catfish

Wish List

I wish no one went hungry in one of the world's most prosperous countries
I wish the rain would go away, at least for a little while
I wish I were closer with my family
I wish somebody, somebody would signal before changing lanes on the highway
I wish I could see a rainbow every day
I wish immigrants would at least make a half-hearted effort to learn English
I wish somebody needed me
I wish it were against the law to talk on a cell phone while driving
I wish this nausea would go away; diverticulitis my ass
I wish I had time to read all the books on my list
I wish the penalties for animal cruelty were much more severe
I wish I was a charm she wore on a necklace so I could always be close to her heart

I'm still employed (for now at least)

I think I'm off the hook for Friday's extracurricular activity at work.  My department manager called me into his office this morning to discuss the matter.  He said the receptionist and accounting gal were "scared" of me when I expressed my displeasure with them holding my paycheck, that I disrespected him by "breaking the chain of command" and not going to him with my problem, and that I need to keep my emotions under control.  If withholding my paycheck was their version of no dessert after dinner, this was their version of a good, stern talking to.  At least I didn't have to hear the words "this is gonna hurt me a lot more than it's gonna hurt you."

The most amusing part of the story was that the receptionist, Jessie, who is a sweetheart I get along with wonderfully, told me that my department head asked her and the accounting gal if "they felt physically threatened" by me.  She said she laughed and replied "by Steve?"  What kind of person do they think I am?  I guess being big and loud can have it's drawbacks.

My department head is a good guy, he was just doing his job.  I don't think he quite knows how to interact with me as the rest of the people in our department are techies, I'm not.  He's a mild mannered, soft-spoken guy, but has had to talk to me a few times now about raising my voice, speaking my mind, and once for using the word "shit" in an e-mail to a co-worker.  I'm just a fiery, passionate guy; maybe the corporate world isn't the best environment for me.  But while I'm here I'll try my best to play corporate ball: keep my voice down and my opinions to myself.   Stop laughing, I said I'd 'try'...

Anyone Hiring?

Well, I did it again, the bull showed up at the china shop.  I opened my mouth at work.  I know, I know, it's not the smartest move, but give me a break, it had been awhile; and a lion's got to roar every now and then.  Although I could be looking for work as early as Monday.

I'm withholding the details and deep insight as some of my co-workers have this url so here's the short version.  My company instituted a new policy where we have to turn in our excessively detailed timesheets each Monday by noon.  I turned mine in late so they withheld my paycheck.  I worked last week but wasn't paid, their version of no dessert after supper.  So I went upstairs to discuss the matter with administration and ended up having an unpleasant conversation with a woman I am polite to and speak with only because I have to.  I'm sure she cares for me as little as I care for her since we've had a run-in or two in the past and would like nothing more than for this non-automaton prone to speaking his mind an ex-employee.  Man, biting my tongue is really, really tough...

Do you know anyone looking to hire a reasonably intelligent guy with some writing skills?  At the very least I'm good for an occasional outburst and some high comedy.  Stay tuned and please circulate my resume...

Stand and De-Liver

Doc called me at 7:45 this morning to give me the results of my bloodwork (once my heart stopped racing).  When the phone rings that early in the morning I usually fear the worst; people know better than to call me at that time.  My alarm doesn't even go off during the week until 8:00.  That's an awful feeling, isn't it?  My parents are 69 and 70 with two open heart surgeries under their belts apiece, I have a great aunt and uncle in their mid to late 80's, 18 and 19 year-old nephews who drive cars, etc.  I pick up the phone wondering who died or is in the hospital.

Fortunately, the news was relatively good.  My white blood cell count was up which he said was to be expected with an infection currently residing in my colon, and my liver enzymes were up as well but not much.  In fact, he said that if I hadn't mentioned having a liver problem in the past he wouldn't have thought twice about it, so it is nothing to be concerned about.  I'll just have it checked again in 6 months to keep an eye on the slimy fella.  Until then, as the t-shirt says, "the liver is evil and must be punished."

 

No more anal probing, ever

I've been to the doctor and the results are in.  The winner of the stool pool is: ME!  The diagnosis was actually diverticulitis (one or more pouches in the colon becomes inflamed or infected, causing severe abdominal pain, fever, nausea and a marked change in your bowel habits).  I've had it before and the treatment is antibiotics and the suggestion to eat more fiber and drink more water to prevent it from recurring.  I'll take that over any sort of anal probing, which makes me the winner!  And I'm still not convinced that ogre Chris was put out for his; at least I don't want to believe it.  I would have loved to have seen the look on his eyes at the moment of insertion, being the puritanical fella he is.  I would have gone through one myself as long as I was lying next to him so I could watch his expression.

Just to be sure, Doc had blood drawn to be analyzed so we'll know whether I'm suffering from any other maladies Friday.  Included in that lab work is a liver scan, which I'm more concerned about.  I've been known to like a bit of hair of the dog every once in a while.  I had problems with it in '97 and spent 6 months dry so I get my liver enzymes checked every year or so.  The liver is an interesting organ.  As long as the damage done isn't too severe, the little fella can regenerate itself and be as good as new in no time.  It also happens to be one of those organs you can't live without so that's a neat feature.  My friends, let's all take a moment, raise our glasses and toast the liver!

 

Speaking of anal probing, I'm back to square one in the dating scene.  I haven't spoken to the gal I went on the first date with on Friday in several days, somehow avoiding the unpleasant task of explaining why I don't want to see her again.  Two more women e-mailed me this past weekend.  The first was a little bigger than I like my ladies and the second one didn't have a picture posted with her profile.  I exchanged a few polite e-mails with the first one but didn't reply to her last one and haven't heard back.  The second one and I exchanged e-mails until Tuesday night when she finally sent me a picture.  Like the first one, she was a little bigger than I like my ladies.

Now, you're probably thinking (as my mother always reminds me when we have this discussion) that I am not one to be so picky about someone's figure.  So fucking shoot me.  It's my life, don't I have the right to be a little discriminating about who I date?  CRUDE SEXUAL REFERENCE WARNING - SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU FEEL I MIGHT DISGUST YOU WITH THE FOLLOWING SENTENCE.  A smoking body is not a prerequisite to date me (although to borrow a line from song my ex's body truly was 'a wonderland'), but if I can't hear the stereo when they sit on my face, thanks but no thanks, I'm not interested.

Speaking of disgusting people, I had a conversation with my co-workers Bruce and Chris where they told me I am constantly walking the line of good taste.  Things like out of nowhere asking someone I don't know all that well if 'their wife barks or yelps when they pull their hair while shagging them doggie style'.  I'm not intentionally trying to get a rise out of people; it's just that those sort of things don't offend me so I assume it isn't going to offend others.  I mean well, I just need to be careful when not amongst a loose crowd.

But I think I had a breakthrough today.  While driving back from lunch, Bruce, Pierre and I were discussing the pros and cons of older women.  You know, how older women are typically (at least from my experience) better in bed because they are more experienced, more comfortable with their body and sexuality, etc.  Now I don't know Pierre very well, but I do know he is not exactly what one would call 'loose'.  So in the middle of our discussion (he's married to a younger woman) I was about to ask him how often he and his wife had sex.  I was able to catch myself and bite my tongue.  Needing some dialogue to replace my original question, I told him since he's 45 he had better get shaking if he wants to squeeze some kids out.  That's where he reminded me that his wife has been ill for years and she is just about healthy enough for them to give it a try.  After opening my mouth and inserting my foot, I decided 'screw Bruce and Chris', always go with your first instinct.

Tune in tomorrow for the results of my blood work and status of my liver.

For Your Amusement

I was just explaining this to everyone in Cancun!  Not from personal experience, of course... 

http://img146.echo.cx/img146/1248/dirtysanchez1iu.gif

Gastronaut

I feel miserable.  My stomach is in turmoil.  I feel nauseous.  I was diagnosed with diverticulitis a couple of months ago so it could be paying another visit.  It could be an ulcer, I've never had one but that seems to be a fairly common afflicition, and I do stress quite a bit.  It could be some sort of stomach flu, I've had a few of those in the past.  I could be nerves, which my Mom and shrink usually chalk these things up to (again, the stressing).  Or my body could be playing host to a nasty little bug I brought home from Mexico.  Viva Mexico, 'God's blindspot' as I recently heard it referred as.  Tapeworm anyone?

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow morning and hopefully will have some answers then.  Obviously I'm hoping whatever it is doesn't require any invasive procedures.  Outside of the odd digit inserted up my cornhole by a wild chick or two, the most extensively I've ever been probed was by a doctor checking to see if my appendix was distended.  All the advances in modern medicine and Dr. Feelgood has to shove a couple of fingers up my bunghole to check for an appendicitis?  "Using the whole fist there doc?"  I'm lucky that way.

My co-worker Chris (aka Sasquatch) was battling colitis a few months ago and was informed he needed to be roto rootered with a camera so they could get a look at what was going on up there.  It was one of the happiest days of my life.  Chris, also known as 'the golden child' because he seems to get all the breaks, loves to amuse himself around the office at our expense.  What sweeter payback than having him suffer the indignity of a camera at the end of dozens of yards of cable being stuffed up his ass?  I was as giddy as a schoolgirl! 

But I don't call him 'the golden child' for nothing: the team of cryptozoologists caring for him decided, in all their infinite wisdom, to sedate him for the procedure.  Not only would he be out cold during the impaction, he would be groggy afterwards and sleep the whole day so I was deprived of mental pictures of him gingerly placing his sore brown eye on every surface he sat on.  If that was me, there would have been some sort of technical problem with the apparatus that day forcing the doctor to hold a camera in his hand while he shoved his arm up my poop shoot all the way to his shoulder.  Not to mention the fact that there would be a group of interns from a local medical school there to witness the entire episode as it was broadcast on big screen televisions throughout the theater.  Can I get some popcorn with that fisting?

So in an effort to lighten the mood, I am creating the 1st (hopefully not annual) Creepy Stool Pool.  Las Vegas oddsmakers have anal-ized the situation and you the readers can play along at home and wager on the outcome of my personal ass spelunking.  Here are the odds by category:

Diagnosis:

diverticulitis - 7 to 5

stomach virus - 3 to 1

nerves - 4 to 1

the field (any other non-catasrophic malady) - 5 to 1

ulcer - 10 to 1

Mexican parasite (including worms) - 20 to 1

colitis - 25 to 1

rectal foreign object - 100 to 1

Treatment:

antibiotic - even money

change in diet - 5 to 1

invasive anal procedure - 15 to 1

Wish me luck, and remember, odds are provided for entertainment purposes only.

 

 

Medical Marijuana

Memory Problems

Rain, Rain, Go Away

Have we had enough rain yet?  I wouldn't mind the constant downpour if I was a kid, or an otter.  I keep expecting to see an old man go floating by in an ark.  Speaking of, I don't view the Bible as factual, but is there a more unbelievable story in it than that of Noah and the ark?

I mean, a 600 year-old man building a 450 foot-long boat?  My Dad is 70 and I get called over there to change light bulbs and replace the toner cartridge in the fax machine.  While selecting two of each animal, how did they know one of the two wasn't impotent or sterile?  How did they keep the large carnivores from devouring the smaller ones?  Did they put the polar bears on a different floor than the fur seals, etc?  How did they wrangle all these animals?  I need to set aside an extra half hour before going to the veterinarian just so I can catch one of my cats.  Who handled the venomous snakes?  And my god man, the smell!  Can you fathom how bad the funk must have been on that vessel after 150 days at sea with all those animals?  They must have been sprinting off that heap once the waters receded.

And was the big G kind enough to provide Noah and his family with any Dramamine?

 

The Sad and the Lonely, They're the Only Ones with Style

Is it possible to remain friends with someone who broke your heart?  It seems like a daunting task, yet I would like to try because a) even as just a friend she would be an asset in anyone's life, and b) I still hang on to the slim hope that we could one day get back together.  This is number three in my lifetime and I didn't stay in touch with the previous two, but that was many moons ago.

But how do I keep from fashioning a noose when she enters a new relationship?  How do I prevent myself from finding the tallest building to jump from when she tells me how some guy shagged her rotten in the bathroom stall of a nightclub?  Can it be done?

The joys of blogging

Before I ever sent out the link to my weblog I had a bad feeling.  First of all, I had to decide what I was going to do with it.  Would it be a sort of running diary of my deepest, innermost thoughts or just general postings about observations and opinions.  Once I decided "fuck it, I'm just gonna let it fly here", I realized there would be ramifications.  How can you pour yourself out onto paper (or a web page) without occasionally stepping on someone's toes or hurting someone's feelings?

Well, the shit has already begun to hit the fan.  My first snafu was reporting that someone in our party enjoyed the $60 nob-schlobbing that I declined.  I guess that's a reasonable complaint, despite the fact that I didn't name names or send the link to anyone associated to that person.  Good thing I didn't post any of the pictures of the fellas sodomizing donkeys while we were down there!

So how do I proceed from here?  Do I bite my tongue and err on the side of caution to prevent hurting anyone's feelings or getting anyone in trouble?  Or is it other people's responsibility to not do anything they are afraid might get them in hot water?  I could end up like Homer Simpson when he was using his website to dish dirt on the residents of Springfield leading to everyone avoiding him like the plague. 

I'm sure those of you who know me well can guess which road I'll end up taking.  After all, I'm a bull in a fuckin' china shop.  Stay tuned...