No more anal probing, ever

I've been to the doctor and the results are in.  The winner of the stool pool is: ME!  The diagnosis was actually diverticulitis (one or more pouches in the colon becomes inflamed or infected, causing severe abdominal pain, fever, nausea and a marked change in your bowel habits).  I've had it before and the treatment is antibiotics and the suggestion to eat more fiber and drink more water to prevent it from recurring.  I'll take that over any sort of anal probing, which makes me the winner!  And I'm still not convinced that ogre Chris was put out for his; at least I don't want to believe it.  I would have loved to have seen the look on his eyes at the moment of insertion, being the puritanical fella he is.  I would have gone through one myself as long as I was lying next to him so I could watch his expression.

Just to be sure, Doc had blood drawn to be analyzed so we'll know whether I'm suffering from any other maladies Friday.  Included in that lab work is a liver scan, which I'm more concerned about.  I've been known to like a bit of hair of the dog every once in a while.  I had problems with it in '97 and spent 6 months dry so I get my liver enzymes checked every year or so.  The liver is an interesting organ.  As long as the damage done isn't too severe, the little fella can regenerate itself and be as good as new in no time.  It also happens to be one of those organs you can't live without so that's a neat feature.  My friends, let's all take a moment, raise our glasses and toast the liver!

 

Speaking of anal probing, I'm back to square one in the dating scene.  I haven't spoken to the gal I went on the first date with on Friday in several days, somehow avoiding the unpleasant task of explaining why I don't want to see her again.  Two more women e-mailed me this past weekend.  The first was a little bigger than I like my ladies and the second one didn't have a picture posted with her profile.  I exchanged a few polite e-mails with the first one but didn't reply to her last one and haven't heard back.  The second one and I exchanged e-mails until Tuesday night when she finally sent me a picture.  Like the first one, she was a little bigger than I like my ladies.

Now, you're probably thinking (as my mother always reminds me when we have this discussion) that I am not one to be so picky about someone's figure.  So fucking shoot me.  It's my life, don't I have the right to be a little discriminating about who I date?  CRUDE SEXUAL REFERENCE WARNING - SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU FEEL I MIGHT DISGUST YOU WITH THE FOLLOWING SENTENCE.  A smoking body is not a prerequisite to date me (although to borrow a line from song my ex's body truly was 'a wonderland'), but if I can't hear the stereo when they sit on my face, thanks but no thanks, I'm not interested.

Speaking of disgusting people, I had a conversation with my co-workers Bruce and Chris where they told me I am constantly walking the line of good taste.  Things like out of nowhere asking someone I don't know all that well if 'their wife barks or yelps when they pull their hair while shagging them doggie style'.  I'm not intentionally trying to get a rise out of people; it's just that those sort of things don't offend me so I assume it isn't going to offend others.  I mean well, I just need to be careful when not amongst a loose crowd.

But I think I had a breakthrough today.  While driving back from lunch, Bruce, Pierre and I were discussing the pros and cons of older women.  You know, how older women are typically (at least from my experience) better in bed because they are more experienced, more comfortable with their body and sexuality, etc.  Now I don't know Pierre very well, but I do know he is not exactly what one would call 'loose'.  So in the middle of our discussion (he's married to a younger woman) I was about to ask him how often he and his wife had sex.  I was able to catch myself and bite my tongue.  Needing some dialogue to replace my original question, I told him since he's 45 he had better get shaking if he wants to squeeze some kids out.  That's where he reminded me that his wife has been ill for years and she is just about healthy enough for them to give it a try.  After opening my mouth and inserting my foot, I decided 'screw Bruce and Chris', always go with your first instinct.

Tune in tomorrow for the results of my blood work and status of my liver.

Comments

[Judi]

Since I can't comment on the "older women" reference (having not been with a woman to date), I'll say this:

It would be a shame if things were to cease dropping from your brain to your tongue. It just wouldn't be, well, you.

As for older men--and I mean men in their 40's and up for me at this point--they tend to be worse than the youngsters. And not in the sack.

They are whiny and cranky and require all kinds of attention. They aren't free wheelin' and fun and into spontaneous trips up the state or down to the Keys.

So I'd like to place an order for one kinky younger man, please. Body need not be perfect but brains a necessity. Must be able to either quote Futurama, the Simpsons and Family Guy or horror flicks. The taller the better.

Wait. What do you mean this isn't an online dating service? I thought...damn. Nevermind.

Great post as usual.

I'm Judi and I blog on other peoples' blogs.

[Creepy]

So older men are no great shakes? It's a good thing I never called that 20 year-old I met a few months ago - I guess she would have been very disappointed! Maybe that's why 'the ex' gave me the pink slip...

How much older than you are we talking?

Why are many younger gals shacking up with the salt and pepper fellas?

[Judi]

I thought I had answered you; perhaps the blogger dogs ate my post?

Anywho, I think it's either for money or it's the "daddy" syndrome or whatever the correct psychiatric term is. I'm sure it's a Freudian theory, although Tom Cruise and his Scam of Scientology would wholly disagree.

As for me, younger boys are my penchant, but I'll take a manchild no older than 40 these days. The Cuban was 42, and he turned out to be more child than my youngest nephew.

I, um, still don't see my blog listed. I'm sure that's all part of this technical glitch, right?