Just got back from running some errands during lunch. I was pretty fuckin' close to having a complete, nervous breakdown. Here's how easy it is. First of all, I'm as sick as a dog; I feel like shit. On top of that, I'm tired, because yesterday afternoon my electricity went out briefly, then only came back on in half of the apartment (of course the A.C. was in the half that did NOT come back on). It wasn't as bad as Thursday night since I could at least plug a fan in, but add the heat to my scratchy throat and Creepy go little if no sleep. No biggie, the day's halfway over; just let me get in the car and run my errands. I start up the car and the A.C. doesn't come on. Is there some sort of air conditioning conspiracy going on that I'm not aware of yet? Of all luxuries to be without, especially when I'm already boiling due to a fever.
So here I am, sick and tired, driving around Miami Lakes with my windows down attempting to remain somewhat cool. But it's no use--at every traffic light I begin sweating profusely. Yet I continue on my way, and pull into a shopping center on the corner of Ludlam and Miami Gardens Drive so I can jump out, run into GameStop and pick up the latest Madden NFL game for Xbox. There are no empty spots so I drive around until I find one, but since the stupid motherfuckers who run this place made the parking spots 4 feet wide so they could in theory fit as many cars in the lot as possible, I can't fit my American sedan into the spot without wedging it in-between the other two cars with the aid of KY Jelly. Who drives cars that are only 4 feet wide? There are probably some Hondas, a couple of Toyotas, and maybe a Hyundai or Kia or two that can fit in these spaces. What is with this new phenomenon? It seems like every place I go now has parking lots full of 'compact' spaces. Sure, you could fit say 100 cars in there instead of 75, but what percentage of the population drives 'compact' cars? And what about the proliferation of SUVs? They've got to account for at least 25% of all vehicles on the road; where the fuck are they supposed to park? I swear if I had any say in the matter people would have to pass an IQ test before being allowed to breed. And if they fail, sterilization.
By the way, just as an aside, whenever I forget that I'm living in a Latin country, all I have to do is go to a shopping center in Dade County. It all comes back to me...
So here I am in my large, American sedan, whose A.C. is currently not working, driving around and around this parking lot looking for an empty space--rather an empty space I can fit my car into--never coming close to reaching a speed that will allow enough air to come through the open windows to cool me down. I finally find a spot that is just large enough for me to fit into, although I nearly had to exit via the trunk. I go into the store and do my business, then get back into the rotisserie oven-on-wheels and head back to the air conditioned sanctuary of my office. But once I get a few blocks from our building traffic slows to a crawl: construction. Wasn't I just saying last week how the government should pay to have crews work road construction projects 24-hours-a-day/7-days-a-week to reduce the amount of time everyone is inconvenienced? Apparently nobody was listening, and your ailing antagonist was forced to inch down the street while the sweat poured. It was like placing an ice sculpture outdoors during the summer in a tropical climate. Not to mention the fact that for some stupid fucking reason I grew a beard and it's itching like nobody's business. I'm scratching my face as if I had ticks. It was at that point I nearly lost it, put the car in park, got out and walked away like Michael Douglas in "Falling Down." I could feel my last nerves coming unraveled. Fortunately for all involved, I made it to the office before I self-destructed. But my clothes are drenched with sweat, I am practically delirious from the fever and heat, and left my Halls throat drops in the car and don't want to leave the precious A.C. and go back out in the oppressive heat to get them.
Today would have been the perfect day to call in sick and stay in bed. Then again, there was no air conditioning in my apartment. "How come it never rains, it only pours..."
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