The Church of Lost Souls

Idiots rule

At the end of the day co-worker Sasquatch (aka Chris) was sitting in my office and noticed the electric shock game sitting on my bookshelf.  He picked up, flashed a huge, shit-eating grin and said "c'mon, let's play."  Last December, we discovered the shock game, and it's kin, the electric Russian Roulette game, and Chris, Bruce and I rushed to the nearest Spencer Gifts to buy them.  The shock game consists of four controllers with a red button on top; each player holds one, and when you press 'Start' a light comes on and music begins to play.  When the music stops and the light goes off, the last one to press their button (or press their button too early) receives an electric shock that causes them to throw their controller down and shake their hand wildly.  The roulette game works similarly, except there's no skill involved -- each player sticks their finger into a port and someone randomly gets shocked, causing them to immediately withdraw the finger and shake their hand wildly.  We were giddy like schoolchildren, playing as often as we could with whomever was willing to join us, until we had all received enough jolts to call it quits.  This lasted for about a month, at which point both games were placed on my bookshelf, where they sat until today.

It was after 6:00 on a Friday, a particularly rough day in the office for both of us, so we decided to cut loose and play a round of the shock game for old time's sake.  Chris placed the unit on my desk, I set the game for 2 players and we each grabbed a controller.  We were laughing hysterically before we even started.  Chris said "my heart's pounding already!"  The anticipation is quite a rush -- the shock isn't enough to kill you, but it certainly sucks.  It's like playing 'Chicken' without the risk of death or catastrophic injury.  It's idiots on parade.  We stopped laughing long enough for me to reach down and press 'Start'.  The light in the center of the unit turns green and the amusing but tension-evoking music starts playing.  As we're tightly gripping our controllers, our thumbs poised to pounce and press the red button on top, I feint by flinching a couple of times, trying to bait Chris into prematurely hitting his button.  It didn't work, so we had to endure the agonizingly long wait for the music to stop.  When it finally did, I squeezed my thumb down on the button, and Chris dropped his controller and furiously waved his hand in the air.  I won.  We burst into a fit of laughter, the result of the kind of amusement you can only experience when acting like an idiot.  He left my office and I turned the unit off then placed back in its spot on my bookshelf.  When I walked out of the building to leave for the day, I saw Chris driving by, still waving his hand in the air.  Sometimes, acting like an idiot can be a barrel of monkeys.   

Convictions, Nephew Ross, sex after marriage, and cats

I'm still a little hung up on this week's developments concerning the attitudes of others regarding my opinions.  Let me get this straight: it's a character flaw to have strong opinions, convictions or be outspoken.  So, what, it's more desirable for someone to be a fucking jellyfish -- to be passionate or feel strongly about nothing, have no convictions, and just bite your tongue, not speak up about anything?  People apparently prefer their friends, family and lovers to be mindless automatons, or at least act like one.  "Don't rock the boat; whatever you do, just don't make any fucking waves."  So, I'm opinionated, passionate, full of convictions, and not afraid to speak my mind (although you'd be hard pressed to point out the last time I hurt someone's feelings), and none of those are good things.  People's priorities and estimation of what is or isn't a virtue these days is appalling.  I'm a good, decent guy (find someone who will tell you otherwise), but none of that matters because I call a spade that is undeniably a spade, a 'spade'.  Instead of being seen as standing for something and being courageous enough to say something about it, I'm considered aggressive, patronizing, closed-minded and disrespectful.  Fuck off; now I'm actually glad that I'm single, have relatively few friends, and keep to myself.

Was talking to my nephew Ross this week and he proudly boasted that he and his girlfriend have been together now for 5 1/2 months. I was thrilled to hear him so happy; he's a great kid, I love him to death and only want the best for him. But there's a catch: he's white (obviously), she's black.  Doesn't matter to me  -- I could care less who he's with as long as he's happy.  My sister Cindy, his Mom, has known about it and feels the same.  My Dad also knows about this, and he could care less either.  My Mom doesn't know about it, and it's gonna stay that way for awhile.  See, I love her to death, but Mom is prejudiced.  The only type of person acceptable for one of her relatives to be involved with is white and Jewish.  I disagree with her stance, and don't let it dictate who I date.  Though sometimes, some things are better left unsaid, and we're gonna keep this secret from Mom for as long as we can.  She's 70, been through 2 open-heart surgeries, and lets insignificant shit like that eat her up.  Her not knowing is for the best.

Speaking of Ross, it's funny, I knew from a very early age that he was gonna be a cool kid.  I spent the summer after my freshman year of college in Hollywood, living with Mom (Mom and Dad were divorced then, but have since re-married).  It was a 2 bedroom place -- I stayed in the spare bedroom.  Ross was just over a year old then, and his crib was in the spare bedroom, so when he stayed over he and I shared the room.  I had a girlfriend at the time who was living with her parents, so when we were amorous, we didn't have to many places where we could get some privacy.  As a result, we usually ended up in my room at Mom's place.  But sometimes Ross was there, sharing the room with me.  It would be the middle of the night, we'd be in the middle of some sort of carnal act and he would wake up.  I would silently pray (I was young, I used to pray sometimes back then) "please, please, please don't start crying," knowing full well that if he did my Mom would come running into the room to fetch him.  You know what, he never did.  He would just sit quietly in his crib staring at us, not making a peep.  It was a little awkward at first, but we were teenagers and our hormones enabled us to ignore him and continue enjoying ourselves.  I hope he picked up a tip or 2 from the 'Creepster'...   

According to this survey, married couples have sex "on average four times a month."  Are you kidding me?  Married people, tell me this isn't true...

When I got home last night no one came to greet me; one of the drags of being a bachelor.  My cat Bella (aka 'The Gargoyle', because she spends roughly 20 hours a day perched on my office chair surveying the goings on) was perched on my office chair, and Josie (aka "The Stealth Cat", because she is always hiding) was hiding.  Big difference from when I got home from work earlier and they both greeted me at the door -- of course, the food bowls were empty.  No food, it's "hey, Daddy's home!  Hi Daddy!"; food, it's "oh, hey, he's home (yaaaaaaaaaawn)".  No wonder people hate cats.  I need to get a fuckin' dog already.  Maybe I'll hit the Humane Society this weekend.

Humor

Intelligent Hurricanes?

Men are dogs

DOWN, BOY! By FARRAH WEINSTEIN MEN are dogs. No, really. Men are dogs, according to a new book causing a stir in Britain called "Everything I Know About Men I Learnt From My Dog," which says there's a reason canines are man's best friend. They eat from the same bowls. "There is really no difference at all between men and dogs when it comes to natural instincts and behavior," writes British socialite Clare Stapes, a former model who has been linked to mutts like musician Robbie Williams and actor Dougray Scott. For the rest of the article, see http://www.nypost.com/entertainment/28678.htm

Disgusting stuff

Don't view this link until after you've eaten...

Finally

See, people actually agree with some of my opinions from time to time (see post from August 24th).

High Def winners and losers

Hmmm...

Conspiracies, paranoia or megalomania?

I woke up this morning before my alarm clocks went off, which is rare.  I take a peek and notice that neither is working; the power was out.  I jump out of bed to check the time on my cell phone and see it is 8:40.  Doh!  Between marathon morning jerk off sessions and power outages it's like someone or something is trying to get me fired due to habitual tardiness.  So I jump in the shower and, of course, the hot water heater runs on electricity, so the water was fucking freezing.  Ever taken a cold shower first thing in the morning?  I take cold showers from time to time when I'm real hot and sweaty, like after bringing in the groceries.  But that's not first thing in the morning, and the knob is not all the way in the direction of 'Cold'.  Damn, that sucked.  My teeth were chattering by the time I got out, and I think my balls are still shriveled up into my abdomen.  If ever there was a wrong foot to start the day off on.

Then, for the second time in less than a week, my toothbrush falls off the counter and onto the ground near the cat box.  It's like someone (a ghost?) is trying to get me deathly sick by using it after it's been infected with cat fecal bacteria.  But I'm not falling for that, so I tossed it and picked up yet another a new one at lunch. See, I knew a guy who had a bully of a roommate in college that he decided to get even with.  He had heard of cleaning the toilet with someone's toothbrush, but took it a step further: he unscrewed and removed the drain cover in the shower, shoved the toothbrush down the drain and gave it a good scrubbing.  Then, he washed any visible gunk off the toothbrush and put it back in it's place.  The result?  The unsuspecting bully roommate ended up hospitalized with hepatitis or meningitis, I don't recall which.  The lesson to be learned?  Just because someone's little doesn't mean you can get away with bullying them, and don't fuck around with germs and toothbrushes.

And that was how my day started, before I even left the house.  Once I got to work I was consumed by the chaos that is working with incompetent people in my new position, but I'm getting used to that.  And my supervisor is very cool and treats me well so things could be much worse.  If only they would start hiring people NOT from China so I could understand what the fuck they are saying.  And a raise couldn't hurt...

Funny sight: during lunch today, my Jehovah's Witness friend Shrek using my computer and eBay account to bid on the items he is selling in an effort to jack up the sale price.  Now these are people who live strictly by what the bible says, word-for-word!  I guess since it makes no mention of the Internet or eBay there's no harm.  Few things in life give me as much satisfaction as the hypocrisy of the devoutly religious...

I'm exchanging e-mails with a friend today and after I expressed myself on a certain matter she replied "you always have such strong opinions on everything.  Is there anything you ever feel like, well, I don't know, 'I can see both sides'.  Anything?"  She's someone I respect immensely; and I think she was trying to tell me something, but it's not a good thing.  Is this a serious fault of mine?  And is it such a problem, feeling very strongly about things?   

Therapy Round 2

Had my second round of physical therapy tonight.  A little advice for you women: if you're an attractive lady with an exotic accent who has an appointment to lay your hands all over a guy who hasn't been laid in almost 7 months, don't wear sheer white slacks with thong underwear.  That's just too much for most of us to handle.  But that's exactly the sight I saw as my Bulgarian therapist led me back for treatment -- a thong disappearing into the crack of her rump.  Is someone trying to force me into an embarrassing accident?  I'm dying over here.  Throw in pulling my jeans down real low so she can massage the upper part of my butt and placing her hands on my ass for leverage while she stretches my legs.  I'm telling you, if she touches my shirtless chest while I'm on my back my yogurt cannon is gonna go off.  I've got to switch to a less attractive therapist; otherwise, in addition to my back, I'm gonna need therapy for my wrist and elbow...

And what is it with you gals wearing thongs underneath sheer pants?  Are you trying to drive us nuts?  You can't be wearing them because they're comfortable.  Damn, I've got give up this waiting for meaningful sex shit and just lay some pipe already. 

Ever throw the package chicken came in into the trash but not taken it out for a couple of days?  Oh man, that's unrelenting funk.  I thought it was my clogged garbage disposal.  Man was I wrong.

VH1 had a show called "The 100 Scariest Movie Moments of All Time" in which a Japanese film called "Audition" was ranked in the top 10 and all of the guest commentators raved about how twisted it was.  Right up my alley.  I searched high and low online but was unable to find a copy for sale because it wasn't available in the States.  Well, maybe my luck is changing because I stumbled across it BestBuy of all places.  Gonna watch it with my friend Judi one night this week, I'll keep you posted.

One of the players on my fantasy football team was just suspended for 4 games after flunking a drug test.  I should get bonus points for that.  I've been suggesting for years that we offer bonuses for players getting arrested, caught using drugs, etc.  One of these years the guys will come to their senses and vote this in.

This was bound to happen

Ooops!

Beware of Dolphins (not the football players)

Ruh ruh...

Disclaimer

For those of you alarmed by my talk of masturbation, I have placed a disclaimer at the top of the page to warn those not mature enough to handle such pornographic writing.  Thank you for your concern.  Now, we can get onto more graphic topics, such as 'felching'...

Fuck yeah and comparisons

Creepy's got tunes and it's ALL, so very good.  Right now I'm cranking the Dogs D'amour "King of the Thieves" (the best album NOBODY has in their collection).  Go to amazon.com and order it now -- if you take my word for anything, this is it.  The opening song is my theme: "How Could Anyone Fall for a Drunk Like Me".  I even had the lead singer/songwriter Tyla paint me an original picture for that theme.  So get off your asses, do yourself a huge favor and turn yourselves on to this fantastic music.  You'll thank me later.

So I'm trying to get back into the dating thing, but I think 'the Ex' has created a conundrum for me.  It's nothing she did or is at fault for, she just set my expectations too high.  She was a 27 year-old babe with a smoking body; it's awfully hard for an old war horse like me to match that.  Sure, gals might have fantastic personalities, but so did she.  How do I handle this?  I'm not willing to 'settle' -- I want a woman who blows me away with both their looks and personality.  Am I doomed to be with a gal of whom I am always thinking "she's cool, but not as attractive as Carrie?"  That wouldn't be fair to the gal.

The five-knuckle shuffle, Jehovah's Witnesses and the return of music to Casa de Creepy

If you've been following my week via my posts, you know that between sitting up all night thinking about making love to 'the Ex' and my hot physical therapist and her pelvic thrusts, Creepy's more than a little wound up.  Needless to say, I woke up this morning with a raging hard on that needed to be addressed before I left for work; there's no way I would have made it through the day otherwise.  So I begin taking care of business, hoping to make quick work of it as I didn't want to be late.  But wouldn't you know it, it took forever.  I fucking swear, this is just further proof to me that god doesn't exist (or that if he does, he's a ruthless sadist).  When I'm with a chick and want to last forever, I don't; when I'm trying to rub out a quick one in the morning so I can get to work on time, I last forever.  What the fuck is that all about?  I mean, what kind of excuse am I supposed to give my supervisor?  "Gee, I'm sorry Iris, but I needed to wax the dolphin this morning it took me the longest time to finish."  Ain't life grand...

Speaking of god (what else is new), we're driving to lunch today and I was telling the fellas how I smacked the outside of my forearm on a door, leaving it really sore.  Naturally (being the instigator I am), I turned to my co-worker Shrek, the Jehovah's Witness, and said "that's one of the flaws in your god's design of man, not padding that and our shins."  His response was "let's see you do a better job."  I then went on to relay the story of my jerk session this morning as further evidence of our imperfection.  He just shook his head and looked away.

In other news...

Shrek's wife came into the office today with their baby, Sean.  The kid is just over a year old but he's already like 4 feet tall (leading to us calling him 'Shrek 2').  They had better potty train him quick or he's gonna have to wear adult diapers.  Nothing like a 2 year-old wearing Depends.  Anyways, they were in my office when I slipped up and used the word "bitchin'" in front of him.  Kathy, his wife, puts her hands over Sean's ears and says "oh no Sean, that's a bad word."  Excuse me?  I know they're Jehovah's Witnesses, but how is "bitchin'" when used as an adjective a bad word???  Their sex life must be a fucking drag.  The dirty talk's gotta be a real 'hoot' -- "Oh Chris, I want your male genitalia so badly..."

Creepy's got tunes again!  My stereo receiver had been acting up for awhile -- I'd lose sound from time to time and it was driving me nuts.  Friend Rick used to repair electronics so he told me to take it apart and check for any loose connections but that didn't work.  Since the old girl provided me with awesome sound (along with my bitchin' Boston Acoustics speakers) since 1992 and I've been putting off getting a home theater system, I put her to rest and bought a new receiver tonight that I can use to serve both purposes.  I hooked it up as soon as I got home and I can once again listen to CDs uninterrupted!  Might not seem like such a big deal, but if you love music as much as me there's nothing like hundreds of watts coming out of a set of great speakers.  I'm as happy as a little girl.  Although I forgot to get a cable to hook the TV up to it, but I can pick that up when I buy the rest of the speakers to complete the surround sound.

I accidentally knocked my toothbrush off the counter this morning and it fell on the floor near the cat box; that was all she wrote for that one.  So I picked up a new one while grocery shopping tonight.  Man, using a brand new toothbrush is one of the simple pleasures in life, like wearing a new pair of socks for the first time.  Or maybe I'm just insane...

Is "Mama Kin" by Aerosmith not one of the greatest rock'n'roll songs of all time? 

How come every single car dealership has huge American flags on their lot?  Are they required by law to demonstrate their patriotism?

Time to drink some beer and play "Madden 06" on the Xbox.  Have a great weekend...

On the express train to hell

scary stuff