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Happy New Year brothers and sisters! May we all have more sex, make more money, do more drugs, consume more alcohol, burn down more churches, vote out more republicans, and generally have a better time then last year. Thank you all for your support.
Reverend Creepy
I think it might be time for an intervention. Not for me, rather my best friend Rick, who seems to slowly be losing his grip on reality. He's living in California with no friends or family to speak of, or job that couldn't be replaced here in Florida. Only a seemingly loveless, trustless relationship keeps him 3,000 miles from home. That or he's a masochist. I know that many people live away from their friends and family but are quite happy with the companionship their partner provides; but I find that hard to believe seeing as he sleeps on the couch more often then in bed with her. As a result of all this he's lonely, and to fill the void he listens to right wing talk radio and watches Fox News all day and night, which is taking it's toll and driving him insane.
Most people with a half functioning brain no longer support the Bush administration or republicans due to the lies used to justify the invasion of Iraq, the many violations of civil liberties, the torture of prisoners, the spying on Americans, and legislation that will condemn millions of Americans to debt slavery, cut Medicaid and student loans to pay for tax cuts for the rich, and an energy bill that gives subsidies to the oil companies already enjoying record profits while we pay an arm and a leg for fuel and does little for energy conservation that is obviously necessary. Not Rick -- "the weapons of mass destruction are in Syria" he says, "Israel has satellite photos of them being convoyed over there." Well then my educated friend, if your country was about to be invaded by a superpower with far more superior weaponry and firepower and you did have biological and chemical weapons, why would you ship them out of your country when you knew they would hang you once captured? And if this is true, and the footage proving it does exist, why aren't we sanctioning Syria or sending weapons inspectors there? And how's that search for bin Laden going? He's so passionate about 9/11, "Pearl Harbor in our backyard" as he likes to call it, yet he doesn't care about hunting down the man responsible for it -- he'd rather blame Clinton and Janet Reno for allowing it to happen.
As disturbing as all that is, it's not what has me worried. No, the final straw was giants. Not the New York or San Francisco Giants, rather the kind slain by David in the Bible. Last night he insisted that when our troops were in Afghanistan they encountered these enormous fellas and killed them. Their bodies were then shipped to the U.S. It was at that point I had to end our conversation -- it pains me to see him this way. This is a guy with a Masters in psychology. I think it's time he goes to see someone else educated in his field, but I was thinking more along the lines of a PhD. And the sooner the better, as I'd hate to see him end up counseling fellow inmates in an asylum...
Sorry for the lack of posts this week but I'm on vacation and have been taking it easy. I wish someone would tell my co-workers that, as I've been called at least 5 times since Tuesday. Next time I take time off I'm leaving town.
I think I'm gonna call it quits with the teacher. She's a great gal but too pure for me and we don't have that much in common. Take New Year's Eve for instance, a night I look forward to getting drunk and having a good time with friends and/or family. But she doesn't drink, at least not to the point of inebriation. It would be nice to get drunk with your gal occasionally and act stupid, dance in the middle of your living room, have clumsy, amusing sex together, etc. It's not nearly as much fun when you're drunk and she's not. She'd be better suited with someone much straighter than me. And then there's the dog thing. I'm a dog lover and she's allergic to them. I don't have one now but am not sure I want to go through life without ever having one again. I'm gonna sleep on it, but have a feeling I'm gonna end things tomorrow.
Say it isn't so: you women have hairy bungholes??? I was supposed to hang out with my friend Judi the past 2 nights and watch 'Batman Begins' on DVD (one of my Hanukkah presents) but she had to cancel due to burning her pussy and asshole with Nair. She's a bit lazy and in lieu of shaving decided to use the Nair she uses on her legs. Not a very good idea, I can tell you firsthand. I tried it once below the Equator myself and scorched my balls -- I felt like soaking them in ice water for days. So the movie is on hold while she recuperates. But what I found interesting was that she was Nairing her brown eye in the first place. She proceeded to tell me that "all women have hairy assholes." Not any of the women I've ever been with, and I usually inspect that part of their anatomy pretty thoroughly. Is that the case sisters? Are your cornholes as hairy as those of us men? And if so, what do you do about it? Do you shave them, wax them, Nair them, or just leave them Au natural? Is Judi abnormal or am I about to be turned off to the female little brown ring...
Saw the shrink this morning. In between talking about his new, cleanly shaved head and 'South Park' I told him about the incidents at work which have left me as a project manager who can no longer speak with our client and ruining my family's Hanukkah celebration last night by dragging my 18 year-old nephew outside and nearly beating him to a bloody pulp for being a disrespectful punk. So Doc recommended I attend anger management classes. Never a dull moment for Reverend Creepy. While I'm apprehensive about being one of 'those people', it couldn't hurt -- actually, it would probably help. After all, I am wound a bit tight these days, and I don't see anything wrong with trying to improve yourself as a person, so I agreed to take his advice. I'll call my insurance company this week and find out the particulars. At least it should give me some good material for The Church.
Well that sure was an interesting evening. The nurse picked me up around 4:30 a.m. and we headed to the beach. She wasn't anything special to look at, but I liked her moxie so I went along for the ride. Shit, if you were drunk and hadn't been laid in almost 10 months you would too. I brought with me a blanket, a bottle of wine and a corkscrew. We set the blanket down on Hollywood Beach but I was unable to open the bottle (I don't drink wine, shoot me) so we sat and enjoyed the moon, stars, sea air and crashing of the waves. This of course led to us making out for about a half an hour or so. When we got back to my place she asked to come up to use the restroom, which of course led to us making out some more and fooling around. She eventually left around 7:00 to drive back to wherever the fuck she lives down south. My streak of abstinence is still intact but it was nice to get a little nookie after all this time. So after kissing 1 girl in 9 months I made out with two more within 5 hours. Merry Christmas to me...
Just got a phone call from the Latina, aka the nurse, telling me she wants to drive to Hollywood, pick me up and go to the beach. I've spoken to her on the phone but haven't met her, yet she is willing to drive from South America (Dade County), in the middle of the night, meet me, and go to the beach with a bottle of wine. You've gotta admire that kind of get up and go. From her pictures she's attractive and from our conversations she's tons of fun -- much more my speed than the teacher. But she lives like 30 minutes away (without traffic), has a 9 year-old son, and is a Catholic that attends church every Sunday. As the Reverend of the Church of Lost Souls I'm not one to turn away anyone, especially when they are good looking and I haven't been laid in almost 10 months, so I will will welcome her with open legs, I mean arms. I've got to jump in the shower, stay tuned brothers and sisters, this should be interesting...
Looks like it's the end of one era and the beginning of another. Tonight was my second date with the teacher. While getting dressed I grabbed my rings from the jewelry box on my dresser. While putting one on I dropped the hematite ring I wear on my left middle finger and it shattered as it hit the tile floor. Interestingly enough, that ring was my last real tangible link to 'the Ex' -- I bought it during a trip we made to the Coral Castle in January and have worn it since. So that ring was absent when the teacher and I kissed for the first time. We went to an Italian place in downtown Hollywood for dinner, during which I suffered a panic attack. For those who have never met me, I carry 'my satchel', which everyone else refers to as my 'purse' or 'fag bag', everywhere I go. It's a black fanny pack that I sling over my shoulder. I can't stand having anything in my pockets so I throw everything I need in 'my satch': keys, wallet, smokes, contact lens drops, Listerine strips and a bottle with a few Xanax. I NEVER leave home without a couple of Xanax just in case; as I suffer from social anxiety disorder they're my security blanket. But when I go on a date I don't bring 'the satch' -- I stuff whatever I deem essential in my pockets. Since this was our second date I didn't think I'd need Xannies, and didn't think the prescription bottle bulging in my pants would be a good look, so I left them behind. Wrong move. I'm sitting at the table trying to act cool as I'm freaking out, expecting to fall to the floor any minute and flop around like a fish out of water. Fortunately, I've had enough panic attacks to be able to ride it out without acting like a lunatic (at least I hope I did). After dinner we walked to O'Hara's to listen to some music. I was drinking a Jack on the rocks when a waitress came up and informed us it was a 2 drink per person minimum per set. Despite not being a drinker the teacher was a trooper and ordered a Kahlua and creme. She ended up drinking 2 before we left, which may or may not have led to our first kiss while saying goodnight.
I'm particularly fond of her and the kissing was great, but it feels awfully strange. It's like she's Sweet Polly Purebread and I'm Dick Dastardly (sorry if any of you younger brothers or sisters don't know what I'm talking about). She's 27 and was with her husband from the age of 19 until a few months ago -- I would bet dollars to donuts that she's slept with less than 5 men. After our 'body count' discussions you all know I've slept with almost 25 women. Tonight I learned that in addition to never being drunk, she's never smoked a cigarette or tried pot. I'll assume that unlike me she's never dropped acid, snorted coke or crystal meth, eaten magic mushrooms, done speed, or taken Valium or prescription drugs for recreation. They say opposites attract, but can our respective lifestyles coexist? And what if we had sex: I have a funny feeling that she wouldn't put 'Little Creepy' in her mouth after he was in her vag or let me cum in her face. And what about anal sex? 'The Ex' was as warm, nice, sweet and pure as they came, but in the bedroom she was fire and brimstone. However, she drank, cursed, smoked and even got high on occasion. The teacher doesn't appear to have even a hint of wild in her. We both really seem to dig each other at this point, so this is gonna end in a fiery crash, the Rev corrupting and converting her into a member of The Church, or her pulling the mindblow of the century by turning out to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. However it turns out, it should be very, interesting. Stay tuned...
Today we had some holiday spirit in the office as they had a catered brunch for us. It wasn't quite a 'holiday party' but it was better than nothing. We played some games, one of which was a limerick writing contest. Each table was given a sheet of paper containing the instructions and a first line to build our limerick around. They would all be read out loud and table with the best one would all win a gift. Ours began with "There once was an old man named Clause;" we had to to write the next four lines. Of course with me at the table ours quickly deteriorated into a story about a dead hooker. I told my fellow employees "anything involving a dead hooker is always funny." My version went something like:
"There once was an old man named Clause,
who tied up a hooker with gauze,
then took out an assortment of saws..."
Since a couple of years ago our company laid off eight people two weeks before Christmas I decided they probably wouldn't appreciate my creativity so we went with something about the elves going on strike for "the cause." But mine would have been much more amusing...
While driving in to work this morning traffic on the highway came to a near stop approaching one of those overhead signs on which they broadcast 'Amber Alerts'. Today's urgent message: drive carefully during the holidays. Fucking brilliant. I'm all for the 'Amber Alerts' providing the details of a vehicle involved in the abduction of a child -- that's one of the better ideas the government has come up with in the past few years. But causing traffic to suddenly screech to a halt, which often results in accidents, just to remind people not to drink and drive is pretty fucking stupid. I'd like to know the rocket scientist who came up with that one.
On my way home from work I was driving behind an SUV with those stickers of a family on the back window. You know what I'm talking about, you can't drive anywhere without seeing them:
What the fuck is that all about? This one had a man and a woman, two girls, a cat and a dog. Okay, you're married, have 2 daughters, a cat and a dog -- so fuckin' what? Do I really need to know that? Is that a way of bragging to those of us who are single and childless that you have a family? Well good for fucking you. I hope your husband is having an affair with a large, black man, your daughters become crack whores who contract AIDS, your cat pisses in your hamper and your dog runs away. Are we obligated by the Census Bureau to declare our our family status on our vehicles? Am I supposed to put the stickers of a man and two cats on my back window? People might think I'm into bestiality. And what if you're gay? Do you put the stickers of two men on? What is the point? Do any of you have these stickers on your vehicle? If so, please enlighten the rest of us as to why you felt compelled to make the world aware of the occupants of your home.
NOW I'm getting into the holiday spirit...
Was talking to friend Bruce today and brought up my date with the teacher tomorrow night. He has apparently strayed from the flock as he hasn't been to The Church in awhile and didn't know anything about her. While bringing him up to speed I got to her 15 month-old son and said something along the lines of if it worked out between her and I it would be "an instant family." He responded with "is that what you want?" Good question. After all, I'm still undecided as to whether or not I want children, and am not sure I'm ready to make a choice. Sure, it seems like it would have tremendous highs and be incredibly rewarding, but at this point the cons still outweigh the pros. I like kids but I also like my freedom. I think I'm too selfish. That's an awful lot of responsibility, and I have a tough enough time with the responsibilities I already have. They've practically got me locked in a cage at work with a sign warning my co-workers to keep a safe distance away -- I'm no longer allowed to have any contact with our client. What kind of father would I make? I imagine myself being banned from stepping foot in his/her school after a confrontation with their teacher. Not to mention that I enjoy partying like a rock star and late nights drinking and hangovers probably wouldn't be too conducive to raising a child. But what if that's exactly what I need: a lifestyle change and more responsibility to make me clean up my act? Now I'm extremely confused. Thanks a lot Bruce...
Too bad I don't have a child -- this would have made the PERFECT Christmas gift. I particularly like the ethnic one on the far right...
Man, time sure flies. Seems like it was just last Christmas. Which of course leads me to reflecting. A year ago I was about to celebrate the holidays with someone special for the first time in 14 years. 'The Ex' and I were basking in new love (well, at least I was; in hindsight she might not have been). On Christmas day we exchanged gifts, then went her family's house for dinner where I met the relatives for the first time. I had someone I loved to kiss on New Years Eve. The year started off in grand fashion. Fast forward 12 months: once again I'm single. Today I finally took the pictures of us from my desk drawer and threw them away, as it's quite evident I won't be putting them back up on my bulletin board any time soon. It took a while but I'm over her. What a difference a year makes. But there is promise as I'm particularly fond of the teacher, and it appears to be mutual. We exchange e-mails during the day, speak on the phone every night, and both seem to be counting the days until our next date on Friday. I think I'm supposed to meet the mortician tomorrow night, but at this point it seems like a mere formality -- she's awfully far behind in the race and at 43 with a 13 year-old kid (not to mention an obnoxious New York accent) I don't see her making up much ground. I ended up buying a scented Yankee candle for the teacher -- if our second date goes as well as the first I'll give it to her next week for Hanukkah. It's simple, but didn't want anything too extravagant that might give her the wrong idea. And if the date doesn't go well I can give it to anyone.
While on the topic of gifts, today we had our 'secret Santa' giveaway at the office. Someone had the bright idea to not give out names so we were told to buy unisex gifts within the $10 to $20 range. During lunch they picked names out of a hat and everyone got to go up and grab whatever they wanted. One of my co-workers ended up with the $20 Borders gift card I purchased; I ended up with a box of Hershey's chocolates. So much for unisex. I did manage to trade it for a bottle of wine, but I don't drink wine. Maybe I can give that away with the Yankee candle.
On my way in tonight I stopped at the mailbox to find a postcard advertising my 20-year high school reunion. Talk about time flying -- 20 fucking years. Excuse me while I go light myself on fire...
The founder of The Church of Lost Souls, I'm certainly never gonna win any 'man of the year' awards. I'm a heartless bastard, a godless heretic, a relentless prick, and merciless ball buster, not to mention a wayward sot. I may be a lot of things, but one I'm not is a scoundrel. Amid the frenzy of women coming into my life of late was a married woman looking for someone other than her husband to fuck. She is attracted to husky, bald, tattooed, teddy bear-like men. She even lived in the same city as me, making an affair all the more convenient. I must admit I was flattered by the attention and found her desirable so I had a little fun exchanging e-mails with her. But when she finally asked to meet me, I couldn't do it, despite the fact that I'm approaching 10 months without carnal relations. Creepy ain't down with O.P.P. As the Joker said in the original 'Batman' movie, "never rub another man's rhubarb." So my quest to sink somebody's battleship with my pink torpedo continues, with only single women eligible. Hopefully that happens before my balls turn into depth charges. And that's my heartwarming holiday story this year.
Was flipping through the channels last night and got caught up in the season finale of 'Nip/Tuck'. Have you seen that show? I'd heard some people discussing the plot a few weeks ago so I had an idea of what was going on but this shit blew me away. There was a plastic surgeon who was drugging women, then raping them and carving up their faces. Turns out he was born without a penis so he was raping them with a strap-on and mutilating them in an effort to liberate them from the tyranny of beauty. The show concluded with him cutting off another doctor's finger with surgical clippers and about to make yet another cut his own hand off with a surgical saw. In a side story, there was a gay couple, one guy and another guy that was a pre-op transsexual. This guy who's daughter was dumped by the gay guy kidnaps them and forces one of them to cut the other's schlong off with a box cutter. And this was on FX! I can't remember seeing anything like this, especially not on television. I've got to get this season when it comes to Blockbuster. How come nobody tried to turn me on to this show???
I also managed to catch part of 'Larry King Live' last night. His guest was Eric Menendez, one of the brothers who murdered their wealthy parents in Los Angeles in 1989. Eric is currently residing in a California penitentiary, but while in prison he met and married a gal who does not reside in prison. It may not be a crime, but anybody who marries a convicted killer sentenced to life in prison or execution should be institutionalized themselves immediately if not sooner. How can these people possibly be sane enough to coexist with the rest of us? According to 'Death Penalty News', a newsletter published by death penalty foes, 10 women wed men on Florida's death row alone between 1997 and 2002. Even 2 of the most notorious serial killers of the 20th century were married after being convicted: 'Night Stalker' Richard Ramirez -- married behind bars (to one of the members of the jury in his trial, who heard all the damning evidence and saw the crime scene photos!); Gainesville student murderer Danny Rolling -- married behind bars. Does this strike anyone else as far more than curious? Me thinks these ladies need fucking lobotomies...
How the fuck did this guy even walk???
The AfterDowningStreet.org coalition, an alliance of over 100 grassroots organizations, has launched a new campaign called CensureBush.org in order to support new legislation introduced by Congressman John Conyers that would censure President Bush and Vice President Cheney and create a select committee to investigate the Administration's possible crimes and make recommendations regarding grounds for impeachment.
H.Res.635 would create a select committee - modeled after Sam Ervin's Watergate committee - to investigate the Administration's intent to go to war before congressional authorization, manipulation of pre-war intelligence, encouraging and countenancing torture, and retaliating against critics, and to make recommendations regarding grounds for possible impeachment.
H.Res.636 and H.Res.637 would censure, respectively, Bush and Cheney for failing to respond to requests for information concerning allegations that they and others in the Administration misled Congress and the American people regarding the decision to go to war in Iraq, misstated and manipulated intelligence information regarding the justification for the war, countenanced torture and cruel, inhuman, and degrading treatment of persons in Iraq, and permitted inappropriate retaliation against critics of the Administration, for failing to adequately account for certain misstatements they made regarding the war, and – in the case of President Bush – for failing to comply with Executive Order 12958.
These two efforts are complementary - H.Res.635 seeks accountability for the Bush administration's monumental crimes, while H.Res.636 and H.Res.637 seek accountability for their cover-ups.
Ask your Congress Member to support these efforts. It’s very simple and only takes a few moments, just click here!
Have them held accountable for their reprehensible, unconscionable and illegal behavior. Last time I checked this was America -- “We the people” get things done by using our constitutionally-guaranteed right to free speech. Stand up and be heard god dammit!
And then there were three... My 'love life' now involved three ladies: the teacher, the mortician and the Latina. I've only met one, the teacher, who I'm getting along with swimmingly and have a 2nd date with scheduled for Friday. I'm finally gonna meet the mortician on Thursday, but it might be too little too late for her. I speak with the teacher every day and apparently she likes me as much as I like her, so the stiff handler would have to be an even better stiffy handler to impress me. The Latina seems like a lot of fun but falls into the 'geographically undesirable' category -- she just lives too far away. And having a 9 year-old kid doesn't help her case. The picture should clear up some after this weekend and allow me to select one gal to focus on, as I don't care for multi-dating. But I don't see myself getting laid again in 2005 which would make it an even 10 months. 'Little Creepy' and I aren't even on speaking terms anymore...
Had a bit of a health scare this week but I think I'm okay. I've felt like shit for the past three days -- an ache in my chest, head a little fuzzy, awfully anxious. Even my good friend Xanax, which I never leave home without, hasn't made me feel any better. I went off one of my meds over the weekend after my doctor didn't okay the renewal of my prescription on Friday and thought that might have something to do with it, but wanted to be sure so I went to see my primary doctor this afternoon. Knock on wood my blood pressure was fine and an EKG turned up normal so Doc assured me there was nothing wrong with my ticker; his professional opinion was that I was suffering from withdrawal from the Klonipin. I had my prescription re-filled today and hopefully I'll be feeling as fair to mid as usual tomorrow. Of course everyone calls me a hypochondriac, but I'll dish out a $10 co-pay instead of ending up in the emergency room any day. Although I am 37 and think it's finally time to give up smoking after New Years. Just let me make it that long.
Started and finished about half of my holiday shopping today. Have you been in a store this week? Why do we wait until the last minute? Are we all masochists? All I have left to cross of my list are Dad and sister Cindy, but that's as easy a trip to a packed to the gills Macy's. But what about the teacher? If I have another pleasant date with her Friday which concludes with a bit on snogging, do I buy her a holiday gift? I'm not talking about diamonds or anything, perhaps a scented candle or something innocuous like that which won't scare her off by making her think I'm getting serious. What do you think sisters?
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